Sunday, June 26, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Twenty-One
It was the moment he’d been waiting for since the beginning of the competition—a night alone with Ashley.
He was leaned back on the bed, his shirt off, breathing hard. His heart throbbed. Ashley stepped back from the bed, he mouth hanging open slightly. She dropped her nightgown from her body and when he saw the spinnerets, he began to howl.
The cameraman had to turn and look away, but could still hear what was happening. His sobs were muffled by the sound of his gorge rising.
He was leaned back on the bed, his shirt off, breathing hard. His heart throbbed. Ashley stepped back from the bed, he mouth hanging open slightly. She dropped her nightgown from her body and when he saw the spinnerets, he began to howl.
The cameraman had to turn and look away, but could still hear what was happening. His sobs were muffled by the sound of his gorge rising.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Twenty
As she leaned in to kiss him, he could smell her breath. It was a cool waft of carpet ruined by cat urine, damp wood warping and that smell that rises from stagnant, green water in a culvert during high summer.
He whispered ‘love’ into her open mouth and then instantly regretted it as he realized it was a weird thing to do.
He whispered ‘love’ into her open mouth and then instantly regretted it as he realized it was a weird thing to do.
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Nineteen
"You know why I am bitter? I'll tell you. I thought we were bros, man. Brothers. But he stabbed me in the back. He threw me under the bus. I mean both of those completely literally. I was looking at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, adjusting my face for the one-on-one date with Ashley and he came in without making a sound and began to stab me again and again in the back. I didn't notice at first because I was caught in the own flickering light of my hazel eyes. When I finally noticed what he was going, I said, 'Bro!' and then he drug my body, writhing in pain, and tossed me into the street just as the bus came by. Its wheels crushed what was left of me. Broken bones. Torn muscle. Blood flying like water from a sprinkler. A bunny rabbit looked me in the eyes and we communicated telepathically. It said, 'I feel you man. Happens to me all the time.' Bros are not supposed to act like that. What has become of American manhood?"
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Eighteen
Ashley walked along the balcony of her hotel room. She asked the darkness if she would ever find love. There was no response from the darkness other than the sound of someone inside her room, in the shadows, struggling against fetters and a gag.
She sighed and let a single red rose drop from her fingers. It fell several stories, down to the bustling street, where it was trampled.
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Seventeen
[partial transcript of online dating site chat]
BachelorEx2011: Hey! 'Sup! I was on The Bachelorette. Would you like to seem some photos of my torso.
Staci9999: Excuse me?
BachelorEx2011: Don't you remember that show? I was one of the contestants. I used to be called Ben C., but now I go by a different name now, for a bunch of reasons that you don't need to worry about. I am compliant with all applicable laws. There are videos of me on the entertainment pods. Feel free to take a look. I can also ElectroGram you some private images.
Staci9999: Using my WikiImplant, I've scanned the available historical databases and I find not reference to you or that show. This dating site is supposed to be secure and free of falsehood. I am going to get my mother.
BachelorEx2011: No, don't do that. I'm cool. We are just talking. I'm not trying to pressure you into anything.
Staci9999: What kind of show was it?
BachelorEx2011: It was popular, really popular. You would have a beautiful woman dating dozens of men. This was before the Moral Entertainment Purges of 2038. I can ElectroGram you some still images. They are lo-rez, but I think you will get the idea. Physically, I satisfy all of the National Physical Requirements. Or did.
Staci9999: I'm sorry. How old are you? If that show was before the Purges, that was sooooo long ago. That was even before reproductive initiatives between people required licenses and were handled through the National Population Control Center.
BachelorEx2011: These stills are from when I was in my early thirties, but my CryoWell Home Sleeping System has kept me looking top notch. If you look that the lo-rez stills and at me from a distance, we look that same. I have hair.
Staci9999: NOTICE: YOU HAVE BEEN CHATTING WITH A NATIONAL SECURITY ONLINE PATROL BOT. A TRANSCRIPT OF THIS CHAT HAS BEEN FORWARDED TO YOUR SECTOR PATROL STATION AND AND AN INVESTIGATIVE GROUP HAS BEEN DISPATCHED TO YOUR LOCATION. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LEAVE YOUR LOCATION. ANY ATTEMPT TO LEAVE WILL BE DEEMED AN ADMISSION OF GUILT AND YOU WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT.
***BACHELOREX2011 HAS LEFT THE CHATROOM***
BachelorEx2011: Hey! 'Sup! I was on The Bachelorette. Would you like to seem some photos of my torso.
Staci9999: Excuse me?
BachelorEx2011: Don't you remember that show? I was one of the contestants. I used to be called Ben C., but now I go by a different name now, for a bunch of reasons that you don't need to worry about. I am compliant with all applicable laws. There are videos of me on the entertainment pods. Feel free to take a look. I can also ElectroGram you some private images.
Staci9999: Using my WikiImplant, I've scanned the available historical databases and I find not reference to you or that show. This dating site is supposed to be secure and free of falsehood. I am going to get my mother.
BachelorEx2011: No, don't do that. I'm cool. We are just talking. I'm not trying to pressure you into anything.
Staci9999: What kind of show was it?
BachelorEx2011: It was popular, really popular. You would have a beautiful woman dating dozens of men. This was before the Moral Entertainment Purges of 2038. I can ElectroGram you some still images. They are lo-rez, but I think you will get the idea. Physically, I satisfy all of the National Physical Requirements. Or did.
Staci9999: I'm sorry. How old are you? If that show was before the Purges, that was sooooo long ago. That was even before reproductive initiatives between people required licenses and were handled through the National Population Control Center.
BachelorEx2011: These stills are from when I was in my early thirties, but my CryoWell Home Sleeping System has kept me looking top notch. If you look that the lo-rez stills and at me from a distance, we look that same. I have hair.
Staci9999: NOTICE: YOU HAVE BEEN CHATTING WITH A NATIONAL SECURITY ONLINE PATROL BOT. A TRANSCRIPT OF THIS CHAT HAS BEEN FORWARDED TO YOUR SECTOR PATROL STATION AND AND AN INVESTIGATIVE GROUP HAS BEEN DISPATCHED TO YOUR LOCATION. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO LEAVE YOUR LOCATION. ANY ATTEMPT TO LEAVE WILL BE DEEMED AN ADMISSION OF GUILT AND YOU WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT.
***BACHELOREX2011 HAS LEFT THE CHATROOM***
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Sixteen
Ames woke from his restless sleep. His head still hurt, still spun. He had moments of clarity and then the world would cloud again. Where was he? He couldn't remember, but looking out the window of the small room at the dark alley below, he knew that he wasn't in New York any longer.
He had the taste of blood in his mouth, but then he remembered the rose ceremony. "Oh, right. That is why I have the taste of blood in my mouth." As he walked back to the pallet in the corner of the room where he'd been sleeping in tangled sheets, wet with his sweat, he noticed that he was carrying a severed hand.
"I said I needed a hand, but this is ridiculous." Being a stock broker, he put the hand under his pillow and hoped that in the morning, in its place he would find a fifty cents.
He had the taste of blood in his mouth, but then he remembered the rose ceremony. "Oh, right. That is why I have the taste of blood in my mouth." As he walked back to the pallet in the corner of the room where he'd been sleeping in tangled sheets, wet with his sweat, he noticed that he was carrying a severed hand.
"I said I needed a hand, but this is ridiculous." Being a stock broker, he put the hand under his pillow and hoped that in the morning, in its place he would find a fifty cents.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Fifteen
The men on the group date walked along the streets of Chiang Mai, joking easily with one another. Then, at the entrance to a small plaza, they saw her, the goal of their romantic quest. Their hearts capered at the thought of spending the rest of their lives with her, treating her with the love and respect that she deserved. She was the most beautiful woman they'd ever seen.
"Gentlemen," she said as they stood before her in a semi-circle, gesturing to a small in the center of the plaza. "Blood sports."
The thrumming streets of Chiang Mai reverberated with the distant screams of the suitors. Inhuman shrieking of unbearable pain. It was a sound that many never forgot, not on their death beds, happily submitting to that final silence.
"Gentlemen," she said as they stood before her in a semi-circle, gesturing to a small in the center of the plaza. "Blood sports."
The thrumming streets of Chiang Mai reverberated with the distant screams of the suitors. Inhuman shrieking of unbearable pain. It was a sound that many never forgot, not on their death beds, happily submitting to that final silence.
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Fourteen
The antiquarian book dealer gasped when he opened the crate. A faint air of decay wafted up to this nose, a smell he remembered all to well from his years as a young priest in Cairo. Before he renounced a God that he now knew did not exist.
The title, red on the ageless page: Das Geheimnis der unverheirateten Wurm
'It has begun again,' he thought.
The title, red on the ageless page: Das Geheimnis der unverheirateten Wurm
'It has begun again,' he thought.
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Thriteen
"I really loved that bottle of wine you gave me on the first night. What type of grapes do you use," Ashley asked.
"I don't use grapes," Ben F. said. "The wine is made from the ruined dreams of spinsters."
"I thought it tasted familiar."
"I don't use grapes," Ben F. said. "The wine is made from the ruined dreams of spinsters."
"I thought it tasted familiar."
Monday, June 20, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
The History of Audubon Park: Errata
An anonymous commenter on a previous post explains why we thought that "Crookshanks" was funny:
I had totally forgotten about the captions. Yes, that is why it was funny.
Ben says it best:
you know, the best part about that flier (which i still have) is that there was a picture of Crookshanks lying on the ground and a picture of Crookshanks looking at the camera. above the latter, someone had written "alive," while above the former, "dead." then someone ELSE crossed out "dead" and wrote "not dead".
I had totally forgotten about the captions. Yes, that is why it was funny.
Ben says it best:
It is good to remember awesome things you had almost forgotten.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Twelve
"For tonight's group date, we are going to roast Ashley," Chris Harrison said.
The men began to salivate. Their eyes rolled white.
"No, not like that. What I mean is that we are going to all make fun of her."
Wiping the saliva from their slack-jaws, the suitors began thinking of clever things to say. They were silent.
The men began to salivate. Their eyes rolled white.
"No, not like that. What I mean is that we are going to all make fun of her."
Wiping the saliva from their slack-jaws, the suitors began thinking of clever things to say. They were silent.
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Eleven
Constantine felt that he had the best connection with Ashley because they had both been rulers of ancient lands, living secret nocturnal lives for centuries.
"I was born in 1985," she said, sipping from her flute of mid-priced champagne and pouting.
"Oh, sorry," Constantine said, drawing a pouch containing a powder made from the ground bones of ibises and inhaling deeply. "Well, we just have such good conversations, I assumed."
"I was born in 1985," she said, sipping from her flute of mid-priced champagne and pouting.
"Oh, sorry," Constantine said, drawing a pouch containing a powder made from the ground bones of ibises and inhaling deeply. "Well, we just have such good conversations, I assumed."
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Ten
Ashley had been warned that Bentley was not there for love, but to promote his Utah-based trampoline business. She wasn't warned about his unending hunger for human offal.
"I like to eat children's livers," he said to himself. "It makes my hair look good. See." He began to pose and flex, though there was no one to see it.
Later that night, the other suitors were awakened by the sound of distant howling.
"I like to eat children's livers," he said to himself. "It makes my hair look good. See." He began to pose and flex, though there was no one to see it.
Later that night, the other suitors were awakened by the sound of distant howling.
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Nine
When Tim woke, he couldn't remember much of anything. He'd been in a mansion, he knew that. He'd had something to drink, maybe too much, but as a liquor distributor from New York City, that was nothing new. There'd been a man in a mask. That was nothing new in NYC either.
No, the only strange thing was that his torso was covered in bite marks and his legs had been gnawed off.
"Bro, this is not cool."
No, the only strange thing was that his torso was covered in bite marks and his legs had been gnawed off.
"Bro, this is not cool."
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Eight
Chris Harrison sat in his room, alone. The floor was covered in straw, the walls bare. The air held a the faint tang to stale urine. In his hands was a photograph, battered, of his family. His wife and daughter. How long had it been since he'd seen them? He couldn't remember. Nor could he cry any longer.
So long ago. He'd been driving home from an after-work happy hour. He'd lost control of his car on a desolate and dark highway. There'd been something, someone, in the rode. A dark figure brought to life by his hi-beams. He swerved, screamed, and then... He could only remember fragments, grim flashes of bending steel and blood that capered before his eyes in the moments before sleep. A TLC song had been on the radio.
And then a voice, 'Do you need help?' He was barely conscious but he responded in a thin rasp. "Yes."
'Take my hand.'
He reached up in the dark and took the outstretched hand. He felt a wriggle of revulsion slither through his body. 'You owe me one now,' the voice said, pulling him free of the wreckage.
Chris Harrison wanted to cry when he thought of his daughter, but he knew it was best that his family did not know what had become of him.
'Chris!' The voice was in his head again. That voice. He could not resist it, he knew.
It was time for the ceremony.
So long ago. He'd been driving home from an after-work happy hour. He'd lost control of his car on a desolate and dark highway. There'd been something, someone, in the rode. A dark figure brought to life by his hi-beams. He swerved, screamed, and then... He could only remember fragments, grim flashes of bending steel and blood that capered before his eyes in the moments before sleep. A TLC song had been on the radio.
And then a voice, 'Do you need help?' He was barely conscious but he responded in a thin rasp. "Yes."
'Take my hand.'
He reached up in the dark and took the outstretched hand. He felt a wriggle of revulsion slither through his body. 'You owe me one now,' the voice said, pulling him free of the wreckage.
Chris Harrison wanted to cry when he thought of his daughter, but he knew it was best that his family did not know what had become of him.
'Chris!' The voice was in his head again. That voice. He could not resist it, he knew.
It was time for the ceremony.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Seven
"I am wearing this mask because I want you to get to know what is inside me before you get to know what is outside," Jeff said as he and Ashley shared an intimate moment in the stairwell.
"Great idea," Ashley said, producing a meat cleaver from her décolletage, such as it was.
As she began to savagely hack at Jeff's ribcage, Jeff looked at the ceiling and said, "The mask was a mistake."
"Great idea," Ashley said, producing a meat cleaver from her décolletage, such as it was.
As she began to savagely hack at Jeff's ribcage, Jeff looked at the ceiling and said, "The mask was a mistake."
The Bachelorette Fanfiction: Chapter Six
The men all agreed that the only thing better than helping to renovate an orphanage for their group date was how good the children tasted after the barbecue.
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